This blog is to keep in touch with those I love during my twenty-seven month adventure in Paraguay. Welcome to the chronicles of my life as a gringa americana doing urban youth development in Sudamėrica.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thanksgiving blessings

I suppose it's no secret that I've had a hard time here in Paraguay. There are the typical struggles that a volunteer may experience- loneliness being the greatest, all of the health problems, and feeling the most vulnerable and helpless I've felt in my life. I suppose these were great trials to go through, and I'm still learning that now. When I struggle, I think about how much I am growing and learning from these tough experiences. Well, sometimes I'm a complete wreck, but I try to stay positive in retrospect.

I don't regret coming here a single bit! I try to imagine how some things would have turned out had I done them differently, but I know that's a terrible way to think. I've had a hard time feeling satisfied with my accomplishments. I often compare myself with others and feel like I've done nothing worthy. That's held me down for quite a while now, I'm my own worst enemy! Even with the great things I have done, I've had a hard time celebrating them as successes. I can't even figure out why, I just struggle with this perfectionist part of me. I'm still trying to figure out how to conquer that.

I've come to peace with some of the things I can't change (I think), but when I think of what could be done with my remaining time here, I get overwhelmed. My time feels so limited and I'm not sure what to pursue! Things are picking up again, I just have to really maintain a positive state of mind. It's very easy to get discouraged here, and it's a terrible pattern. Once that happens, you don't feel like going out into the community or introducing ideas/projects to people who seem disinterested or unsupportive. It isn't always that way, but that rejection is hard to overcome sometimes! Again, all of this has been a great learning experience. Sometimes I feel like I need more time to get it right.

That brings me to my next great worry. What to do next? Do I plan? Do I figure it out when I get home? I like to think I'm organized, believe it or not, but you know what? I planned in Europe. I took an interview while I was in Italy, and I had a job waiting in the states. I was so organized. In Italy?! How ridiculous. It's good to plan sometimes, but did I prefer to take an interview over hanging out with the grapes in the vineyards? No.

That's just a small example, and then I ended up rejecting that job. I found something within a month of coming home, and it was fine. I've been stressing about GRE studying (with no materials), applying for schools, and not coming to a solution. Then a close friend wrote me and gave me some great advice. She suggested that I wait until I'm home, as everything usually falls into place. She reminded me that if I focus too much on the future right now, I may lose the precious moments I still have in Paraguay. I'm not going to be irresponsible, but my time is so limited here. I do have free time, but I don't want to become obsessed with my next step and miss out on the beauty around me.

Bringing me to the present- I've been trying to focus on the positives here. Don't get me wrong, I have screamed obscenities and have still had my crazy moments this month, but I've loved thinking of all the things I'm thankful for while on this journey.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to share a few of my blessing that I'm thankful for through photos.


Bouquet of carrots from the neighbor's garden! We share a yard.


This is how Paraguay celebrates Halloween- or All Saint's day. They pay respect to their loved ones they have lost, light candles, say prayers, and bring offerings.


Planting the okra seeds my dad sent me ages ago! They are growing now, but ants seem to love them.




Juan and I went to a rose garden and got to pick out roses of our choice. The woman that owned the place allowed us to pick our favorites, then came out with scissors and a bucket of water. It brightened up the entire room!





I couldn't believe my eyes!! Cupcakes right after I had seen some on Sex & The City (on TV in Spanish). They were tiny, but oh so good.

Casey, my dear site mate. I would be lost without him.









I can't figure out how to format everything, but the last few photos are great river adventures!!

Thanks for all the support, everything helps me out more than I could ever express. I love you!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

96 DAYS until Texas!!!

Yes, that's right. I will be returning stateside for a visit!

I immediately panicked after the purchase and had to obsessively search to see if I bought the best ticket. I'm already stressed out with how short the visit will be!


How will I have time to see all these new babies my friends will have had? Be in a wedding? Spend time with everyone I love, eat everything in the world(Loads of Mexican and sushi), and take it all in?!
I won't, but now that I have an exact date in mind and a real ticket bought, I'm hoping this will motivate me to start a wonderful project to tell all of you lovely people at home about!


I'm going to try to keep this short and make a real effort to update weekly so I won't have to try to cram seven months worth of information in one blog next time.


Several newsworthy things to share:

1. My house is really feeling like a home now. I wish I could have you all over (separately) because I finally feel comfortable. It has taken a year to discover where to go for what, how to ride my bike while balancing groceries and/or packages at the same time, what cereal is the best, how to cook with different ingredients, wash clothes by hand, and to basically build a new life from scratch. There are times when I still feel painfully lonely and long for everybody back at home, definitely, but I've found some great friends in fellow volunteers and I now have a library and a collection of movies to distract myself.

2. The winter is beginning in the Southern hemisphere, and it's actually the most difficult season to be here. You wouldn't believe it if you didn't feel it; the temperature may say one thing, but the humidity makes the cold chill your bones. It's days like that that I really miss reliable hot showers and insulation. It's difficult because I have to be closed up in my house to stay warmer, and if I want sunlight, I have to tolerate the cold more and deal with open windows(My windows are just wooden shutters, there's no glass involved). Washing clothes and dishes is quite dreadful because it's all done outside, and sometimes I don't feel like dealing with cold water. Needless to say, I sport dreads in the winter, wear dirty jeans, and eat out of my hands.

I can never get used to the reversal of the seasons, either. I keep wanting to play Christmas music and watch Home Alone because the weather tells me the holidays are right around the corner. Such deception.

3. I'm working on making an amazing video to share a little bit of my world with everyone, too!

4. I did have some health problems in the Summer, but I'm healthy now! I suffered from a heat stroke and seizures that were pretty serious. I say that because there is no record of them in our family and they lasted longer than five minutes and when I came to, I couldn't talk and only screamed (I remember this now), and was so frightened and thought I was dreaming. I came to a second time and vaguely remembered certain things, and then finally a third time when I was being escorted to go see a doctor who just looked at me, took my blood pressure, and told me I was fine. I couldn't really walk because my body was so wobbly from having seized for so long and my tongue was all cut up from having bit on it the entire time. I had overworked my body the day before, had not slept enough, and was dehydrated. I had to go to Asuncion where they did cat scans and told me the pictures of my brain did in fact reveal that I was a genius. We had a good laugh and drank scotch to celebrate.

Okay, not the last part. I am still pretty bitter that this happened, it was a pretty terrible and scary experience to have, especially in a foreign country where I felt my boyfriend was my only reliable support nearby. Luckily, I got to stay in Asuncion for a while with a nurse and then my host family, and they took good care of me.

I had been sick several times before that where it was hard to get out of bed to prepare something to eat, etc., and I really missed my mom and support from home, and thought, "Wow, it's so much easier to be sick in the states." I bought a new mattress after all of that because being bed ridden in discomfort is no fun. Needless to say, that was months ago, and I am grateful for my health and hope that all of the weird illnesses I have encountered here have somehow just strengthened my immune system!

5. My favorite thing that I've recently done is teach a photography class! I put my heart into that because it was something I have lots of passion for and think is really important. Unfortunately, the program is designed to lend five digital cameras to volunteers in their respective communities for two months only, so the photography class has ended. We recently did two exhibits and we also participated in a photo exchange with a school from a different country (it's still a mystery where), and thanks to my mom for helping(she printed all the photos I had digitally sent her) we made the deadline. Three of my students won in a national photo contest and get to go to Asuncion in September to see their photos in an exhibit! We also got to take a little trip and got to experience some of Caaguazu's (my Paraguayan home town) beauty. Photo by: Nataly Bento, one of my photo class participants.


I NEED to wrap this up before I lose all my readers...My Dad's words, not mine.

I'm now typing from candle light because the electricity randomly went out, which isn't too common, but not too uncommon, either. Much love to you and thank you for all the support. I really appreciate the letters and support! I can't seem to put my thoughts very well in English now, I keep having to stop myself from completing phrases in Spanish. It sounds cool, but I feel crazy! And this photo is of Juan and his darling sobrino, Mauricio!
Love!!!