It already felt hot in the house and all I wanted to do was shower. But guess what? There is no water. I don’t really have any food in the house because I had been out of town, and I don’t feel quite strong enough to go all the way to the store to load up on food, especially with no shower and I’m pretty sure my hair got in the way while I was sick yesterday. Meanwhile, I’m fighting with my boyfriend over I don’t know what because I’m just so emotional, I’m hot, I want to eat, I don’t feel comfortable enough with anyone else to ask favors and he’s being all dramatic like he’s exhausted. (He did help take care of me yesterday, but I’m not in the mood for whiney boys on top of this).
As I was fighting with him and being equally dramatic, I decided it was time to go home. Not really, but I decided to say that, anyway. Then I thought, “Maybe it is.” I thought about how sick I am of being sick in Paraguay all the time! I was never sick like this in the states, and it’s hard enough being sick living alone, and in a foreign country. I thought about how I didn’t want to endure the heat of this upcoming summer, how I was tired of my bosses who are supposed to be supportive and encouraging, acting as though I’m doing something wrong and overlooking anything I have accomplished. I’m tired of the community gossiping about anything and being put in awkward positions with my supposed community contact who is supposed to help and support me- but who doesn’t even work with kids and just wants to use me to see her boyfriend, and I don’t support that because she’s married. I think she realizes I don’t want to help her, so she wants to say bad things about me. In a different world, this would not matter. In this world, it does.
I’m sick of all that! Every single one of my moves is scrutinized and people like to talk about you just to talk about something because they literally have nothing better to do! I’m tired of this, and very tired of what’s “improper” because I am a women. Example: The other day I saw one of my friends pass by and I yelled his name to get his attention. My boyfriend turned to me, “Natalie you can’t do that!” “What?!” I said, “I can’t yell at my friend? Why? Because I’m a woman?!” And he said, “I didn’t make up these rules, I’m just telling you those are the type of the things that community will talk about.”
I then started lecturing him and saying okay, I can understand some of those rules, but I’m not in agreement that I can’t yell at a friend to (I just yelled his name) to get his attention, that the rule did not make any sense. You see, I understand cultural sensitivity, but when do I have to compromise my entire self?! I feel like I’m losing parts of my being...
But then I thought of the reality. It is my dream to be here. This is what I wanted. I just had no idea how hard it was! Especially as a woman! I’ve changed so much and am so careful with things to appease the community, but regardless, the community will gossip because that’s what they do. Even in the city.
I once tried to explain to my boss how difficult things were for me at one point. I didn’t want to leave my house, I felt so depressed, I could not get used to the stares! And the cat calls!
I wanted to disappear. It’s funny, after seven months of living in this city, they still haven’t toned down. I just have a bike now so I don’t have to deal with it for as long. Anyway, I was explaining how it was a really hard time for me (and I didn’t even tell her about how many secret admirer texts I had gotten from men claiming they were in love with me, and I had no idea who they were), and she said, “No, it all depends on how you carry yourself.” Let me say, that is complete bullshit. I have no kinder way of saying that. If by walking down the street alone to get groceries, I am “asking” for attention...I won’ t even get started on how mad that phrase made me.
So, as I was thinking, I could just go home. I could lay on a comfortable mattress when I’m sick, or maybe I won’t be sick all the time! I could go home and not wake up sweating or get away from people who just want to take advantage of me, bosses who seem to discourage me and the like, but I remembered the note that my kids wrote on the wall of my house next to my front door, “Natalia, where have you been?” Somehow, when I left for Thanksgiving, my partner informed my class, and they must have come later because they didn’t get the message, so they came to my house. Then there was yesterday, when I was sick. I was lying in bed when I heard a loud knock at the door. It was my students, again. Juan had gone to the library to tell them there was no class today, but again, these kids showed up late and didn’t get the message.
I want to stay for the kids.
And the rainstorms, and the tereré, and the simple things.
But mostly, the kids.
As if on cue, I heard a loud noise that wouldn’t cease, I thought it was a crazy trailer dragging something down the street and I wanted to be annoyed and then I peered outside...rain!!! I had no idea since I hadn’t been outside in two days and suddenly, everything felt okay. The air is cooler, the intoxicating smell of rain is filling the air and the tranquilidad that only a rain storm could bring to the day. Especially in a moment like this. Everything will be okay.
